Ask Counselor Mom: Should I Stay in an Unhappy Marriage for the Kids

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Counselor Mom,

My husband and I are not doing well. We are at each other’s throats all day long. We fight in front of the kids, and I can’t take it anymore. We just live under the same roof. Should I stay in my marriage for the kids?

Anne

Anne,

I’m sorry you are going through this with your husband. I know it is a difficult time for all of you. First, I’m going to recommend you both try counseling. If there is no abuse going on, it would be great if you two could work things out. However, to get right to the answer to your question, do not stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids. I’m not aware of any research that states that staying in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of the kids is the best thing to do.

The longer you stay in an unhappy marriage, the more unhappy the household is going to be. The kids will pick up on mom and dad’s behavior. You know that old saying, “when mama ain’t happy, nobody is happy”? There really is some truth to that. When a couple stays in an unhappy marriage, it just rubs off on the kids. They are very aware of the environment and their surroundings. They will become affected by the situation and then their behavior will begin to change. A child should be in a healthy household.

Could it be Postpartum Depression?

Dear Counselor Mom,

I had my baby 8 weeks ago and still feel down in the dumps. I cry over the smallest of things. I don’t even feel like getting up to take a shower. I don’t enjoy doing anything either. It’s not so much the lack of sleep but the fact I don’t care about doing anything fun. Could this be postpartum depression even though I had the baby 2 months ago?

Melissa

Postpartum depression affects 10-20 percent of women after delivery. It can occur up to a year after delivery. Immediately after delivery, most women feel “hormonal”, so during this time it is quite normal to experience a variety of feelings. However, if these baby blue feelings don’t go away weeks later, you may be experiencing postpartum depression. Common symptoms of postpartum depression are:

• Anxiety
• Crying
• No appetite
• Hard to sleep
• Panic attacks

Postpartum depression is thought to be caused by a variety of  hormonal, environmental, biochemical, and psychosocial influences. If you are having some of these symptoms most of the time, you need to see your doctor. Consult with your obgyn and express what is going on. You could also consult with your psychiatric/psychologist/counselor if you have one you are regularly seeing.  To read more about postpartum depression, click here.

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My Fiance Wants a DNA Test

Dear Counselor Mom,
I’m 20 weeks pregnant, and my fiance told me he wants a paternity test. We have been together for 3 years and have never had an issue. I don’t know why he is asking me this. I do know his family doesn’t like me because I am of a different race. His mother told me I should get an abortion when she found out I was pregnant. I wonder if his family is influencing his opinions. I have never cheated on him. The stress is bothering me so much I am considering moving in with my parents. If he forces me to get the DNA test, I don’t think I can be with him ever again.
Anna

Anna,

I’m sorry you are going through this. There are a few issues going on here. First, you need to find out where his belief is coming from. If his family is influencing him you need to set an ultimatum. I’m not suggesting that he cut ties with his family; however, he needs to stand up to his family, stand firm and tell them he has made the decision to be with you. If the influence did not come from his family, find out the source of the problem. (The racial issue with his family still needs to be addressed). Why is he having trust issues? Did he hear something from a friend? If you find that he has absolutely no reason to have trust issues with you, then it is possible that he is reflecting something that is going on with him upon you.

Readers, what do you think she should do?

 

Ask Counselor Mom

Ask Counselor Mom is a category with true questions. Readers can submit questions to me directly through the contact page. Some of these questions are real stories I found with edits or changes to protect privacy. However, the meat of the question is the same.

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CounselorMom.com makes no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No psychological or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. CounselorMom.com is not a substitute for medical, psychological, expert, or other professional advice. If you are experiencing an emergency, please call 911.

 

Ask Counselor Mom: My Toddler is Always Cranky

Dear Counselor Mom,
My toddler is always cranky. He has a short fuse and kicks me sometimes. He even talks back to me. Is this the terrible threes?
Rebecca

Rebecca,

Most children go through a stage of terrible twos or threes. Although going through the terrible twos or threes is a common occurrence, it is possible that external factors could be influencing his behavior. Make sure you take appropriate discipline when your child hits. First, is he getting enough sleep? Most toddlers need 12-15 hours of sleep. Getting enough sleep is very important for your child’s well being. Second, does your child have too many activities that could cause him overworked? Believe it or not, a child needs some relaxation time too. If your toddler is on the go all the time (whether it be sports, daycare, playing outside, etc), your child might need some more unwinding time during the day. Ensure that your child has some time during the day to unwind, play with toys on his own, or just relax! The flip side is your child too bored? Does your child have things to do during the day to keep him active? Children can get restless and need to burn some energy. If none of these ring a bell to you, are there any negative things going on in your life? A child can pick up drama quite easily and will act out on those feelings. Divorce, death, or any other negative life experiences can impact a child.

Ask Counselor Mom: My Baby Doesn’t Sleep Through the Night

Dear Counselor Mom,
My baby is 6 months old and doesn’t sleep through the night yet. My friends babies have slept through the night since 2 months old. How can I get my baby to sleep through the night?
Karen

Karen,

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to this. All babies are different. My son slept through the night at 4 months old when we switched him from the pack n play to crib, and my daughter started sleeping through the night at 15 months old (VERY recently). I have friends whose babies slept through the night at 3 months old and some parents who have 3 year olds who still do not sleep through the night!

I do have a few suggestions. First, check the obvious. Is your baby comfortable at night and tummy full? Is she wearing appropriate clothing that does not keep her too warm or cold at night? There is some debate on message boards that a full tummy doesn’t help a baby sleep at night. To me, that sounds silly. Can YOU sleep well when you are hungry? It’s common sense. Second, try switching sleep environments. Is she currently sleeping in the swing? Try switching her to a crib if possible.

Third, do you have a schedule? Although some babies can be unpredictable, especially nursing babies, try to implement a nightly routine. Just because your baby doesn’t sleep well, doesn’t mean you don’t need a routine. A routine will help your baby learn what to expect each night. Another suggestion is the cry it out method (yes, I know). To me, this does NOT mean letting your baby cry all night long. Sometimes babies are OVER tired and cranky, and the way they express their unhappiness with being overtired is by crying. Letting a baby cry for a FEW minutes does not make you a bad mom if you know that your baby is safe and needs are met. After a few minutes, if your baby is still crying, then please attend to your baby.

If none of the suggestions help, unfortunately this might mean your baby is just not ready to sleep through the night. I know that is not the answer you want to hear but all babies really are that different. If you are concerned about your baby’s sleep pattern, please talk to your pediatrician about your concerns.

Ask Counselor Mom: My 3 Year Old Boy Isn’t Potty Trained

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Dear Counselor Mom,

My 3 year old son is not potty trained. I have tried everything! My friends children were potty trained at 2! I was told that my son has to be potty trained to attend preschool. I have run out of ideas. HELP!

Ellie

Ellie,

Potty training can be a mystery because each child is different! It is absolutely NORMAL for a 3 year old boy to not be fully potty trained. Although I typically don’t like to stereotype, boys generally DO take longer to potty train than girls. It is common for a child to not be fully trained until 4 years of age. Try not to compare your potty training experience with other moms because each child’s developmental is different. Some common ideas to encourage potty training are:

• Take child potty every 1-2 hours.
• Put child in REAL underwear and only let him wear pull ups at night.
• Throw some Cheerios in the toilet bowl and teach your child to aim.
• Potty sticker chart.
• Take your child to the bathroom when older, potty trained siblings need to go potty. This might encourage your child to be like big sister/brother.
• If you stay at home, you can try to let your child go without underwear so he has no choice but to use the potty. Although, he will have some accidents on the floor!

The important thing to remember is to not let yourself get frustrated, upset, or mad at your son if he has a potty accident. Parents who PUSH their child that is obviously not developmentally ready to potty train (usually seen when a child is only 2 years of age). will not speed up the potty training process, in fact, it might slow it down! A parent can usually determine when their child is truly ready to potty train. A child who shows no interest and has never showed an interest in potty training might not be ready. Generally, a 3 year old should be ready to potty train. If you are concerned about his developmental abilities than please talk to a pediatrician about your concerns.

If your preschool requires your child to be potty trained ready, talk to the director/teachers about what stage your child is at in the potty training process. Most directors/teachers usually have a process to deal with children who are not fully potty trained.